Bobbi In La La Land

Horses Horses Horses Horses

2012-01-27T11:25:00.000-06:00

I miss my horses.

When I moved back to Texas I had to leave my horses behind in Utah. My move back here was something I decided on quickly, so I didn't have time to find a place to keep them here. And then winter came and I didn't want to risk transporting them through the mountains in the snow and ice.
I'm lucky that they are being lovingly cared for by the owner of the property where I keep them now in Utah.

I should have them back to me in March or April but in the meantime I do what any other horse lover does.
I go visit someone else's horses, take a big breath in and smell that wonderful aroma that is a horse.
If you love horses, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
If you don't, then I'm sure you think I'm weird but I don't care.

I'll leave you with some photos of my babies and wait for their return to me.

Hello Kitty

2012-01-25T12:28:00.000-06:00

I love me some Hello Kitty!
But seeing as how I'm old, I can't really get away with wearing anything with Hello Kitty on it.
So I live vicariously through my 4 year old niece. She loves Hello Kitty too thank goodness. And I love the way she says it.. helloooo kit-tayyy.

Her birthday is coming up so I've been on the hunt for a bunch of Hello Kitty things for her.
The other day I found THE CUTEST fedora for her!

I just hope she wasn't lying to me when she said she would wear a hat if I got her one.

I also found a cute outfit for her too!

While searching for all things Hello Kitty, I did come across one thing I can get and not be ridiculed for..

And I also found something else..

It's good to know that even Hello Kitty poops.

Confessions Of A Massage Therapist Part Twelve

2012-01-16T13:19:00.001-06:00

I have a massage client that's a bit....freaky, is the word I think I'm looking for.
He is a super nice guy but the things he does and then tells me about, makes me shake my head on occasion.

A few weeks ago he cancelled his appointment with me because he was "sick".
Only to find out a week later that he wasn't sick at all, he'd injured himself and was unable to lay on the table. I guess I should specify, he was unable to lay facedown on the table (and he still is by the way).

The reason being, he broke his penis.

He finally got the courage to tell me what happened but I'll spare you the details. I think broken penis is enough and I'm sure most of you will figure out what happened without me telling you.

Anyway, before he told me, he tried to make me promise not to laugh. I told him that knowing him, that was something I just couldn't do.
He responded by telling me I was mean and that I couldn't laugh and if I did, he'd know.

So he procedes to tell him how this accident occured and I can assure you, I didn't laugh.
Poor man, was all I could think. Thank goodness he couldn't feel it as he's paralyzed from the waist down. But still...

He had to have surgery to remove some dead tissue and he had to wear a traction device for a few weeks as well.
Last week, he offered to show me his sad organ. Apparently everyone he's told this about wants to see it.
But I politely declined. He said it looked better and wasn't as mangled and sad as it used to be but I still declined.
It was then he says, "Boy, you really don't like penis do you?"
I told him I did, I just don't want to see them all the time.
To which he replied, "You'll be a lesbian in 2 years."

WHAT?! Just because I don't want to look at your penis and everyone else that tries to show theirs off, I'm suddenly turning gay?!

Now, had he offered to show it to me when it was all mangled? I probably would've looked.

This Is Why I Need A King Size Bed

2012-01-10T12:59:00.000-06:00

This is Buck. My 120 pound Golden Retriever/Great Pyrenees mix.

He loves to sleep on my bed with me but this is exactly why I don't let him up there very often.

See me curled up on the edge of my bed?

Bed hog!

Wordless Wednesday- Why Isn't This An Acceptable Word?

2012-01-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-02T10:42:00.001-06:00

I finally made some resolutions for this year.
Normally I don't because I always seem to break them but I made some that I think I'll actually be able to stick to.

1. Get healthy. I haven't exercised in YEARS and I know I need to so I'm going to make it a point to walk again with my dogs every day.

2. Drink more water. I hate water and don't drink it. I drink milk, soda and iced tea. But I know I need more water so I bought some flavored drink mixes to put in the water to make it more palatable.

3.Travel more. I love to travel but haven't done much of it lately. I don't mind traveling alone so I've decided to forgoe looking for a travel buddy and just explore on my one. Unless of course anyone wants to come with me. Hint hint. Nudge nudge.

4. Be more positive. I have a tendancy to speak poorly of myself and that needs to stop. How will others love me if I don't love myself. And how will I be successful if I keep telling myself I'm not. So, NO MORE! Only positive from now on!

Did y'all make any resolutions for this year?

Happy New Year!!

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it's the end of another year. Already.
Boy, the older I get, the faster time flies!

I decided to do some resolutions for the coming year but I'll share those after the new year in another post.

Hope y'all have a safe and happy New Year!

Christmas Recap!

2011-12-26T13:43:00.001-06:00

Hi y'all! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! I did, Santa was good to me this year.
I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite gifts that I got.

I love this ring!

This bejeweled shirt is so pretty!

My mom knows I love anything sparkly!

Love this book and can't wait to start reading it!

Pretty watch from my sister and BIL.

This fur trimmed jacket is so cute!

Fur trimmed cardigan

Mirrored jewelry box

Starbucks card!!!

Now that Christmas is over, I'm really looking forward to the new year!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T11:06:00.003-06:00

I want to take this time to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas Light Show

2011-12-19T16:07:00.001-06:00

This is one of the cooles Christmas light shows I've ever seen and I wanted to share it with y'all.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

2011-12-12T12:13:00.000-06:00

Here's video three of the Christmas video's I did!

For some reason I can't embed it here so, click on the word link to see my video.

Colorado Christmas

2011-12-06T14:53:00.001-06:00

Most of you may not know this but I was born and raised in Colorado.
Under normal circumstances, I hate the snow but on Christmas it makes the day more magical.

I love this song and I play it over and over again during the Christmas season and if you've never heard it before, well you're in for a treat.

Unfortunately the band (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) never made a music video for this song so this is the best video I could find that features the song.

Do you like it?

Why Eyebrows Are Imporant

2011-12-05T00:00:00.000-06:00

This here, is why eyebrows are an important feature of our face...

All I Want For Christmas...

2011-12-01T13:14:00.001-06:00

It's time for another Christmas video! I hope you enjoy this one too!

He's Baaaack!

2011-11-28T21:40:00.001-06:00

So, the one balled wonder is back. You remember right? In case you don't, it's this guy.

Anyway, today out of the blue, ol' one ball sends me a text asking me if I'm mad at him.

Gee, I don't know, why would I be mad at you?!! Is it the fact that telling you time after time after time that I do not give sexual massages you continue to ask me for one?!

DING! DING! DING!

Sadly I have to say, this douche bag just doesn't get it. The light hasn't gone on that he's done something to make me mad at him.
Maybe, just maybe, by me not responding to him, he'll finally get it.

Let the Christmas Videos Begin! Again.

2011-11-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

Two years ago I did some silly videos and I thought I'd bring them out again this year because I thought they were funny. Wether or not y'all think they are or not is another story but whatever.

I'll be doing one a week again until Christmas.

Enjoy!!

Men Are Pigs!

2011-11-21T13:46:00.001-06:00

Ya know, I think this is another reason why I'm still single.
I see how men are and what they "expect" from a massage and it's disgusting.

I don't trust men. At all.
And I know not all men are this way but I see enough of this behavior on a daily basis for me to have a REAL trust issue with men.

A client I worked on a few times a couple of weeks ago texted me this morning for a massage. It was this guy.
So obviously he has some issues that need to be addressed and I'm totally ok with that but he told me today and I quote, "You will most likely have to do a full release. I have been in pain."
So I asked him what exactly his definition of full release was.

His response was, " Medically called testicular pressure ejaculation therapy."

You can throw fancy medical terminology at it all you want but it still doesn't change the fact of what you want.
And I'm NOT doing it.

Which is what I told him and that he needed to find another therapist.
And he wrote back, "Darn, you are very good."

I know I'm good! And I used to enjoy doing this but now? Not so much.

And I even clearly state in bold letters in my ads that all my massages are therapeutic only and are non sexual/sensual in nature. But they don't care, think I'm kidding or they think I'm trying to keep a low profile so the cops don't get me for solicitation.

I'm getting to the end of rapidly fraying rope.

The Crazy Target Lady Is Back!!!

2011-11-16T11:44:00.001-06:00

I was watching tv earlier and one of my favorite commercials came on and I got so excited I started clapping.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these commericals!!!

My Love For Anderson Cooper Continues...And Intensifies

2011-11-08T23:10:00.000-06:00

It's the little, silly things that excite me.
And tonight I got excited because the silver fox, Anderson Cooper tweeted to me! He tweeted back to me I should say, I told him that I voted for him in the People's Choice Awards and that his show is my new favorite talk show and he wrote back, "Thanks! That's nice of you!"
Now, I know that may not be a big deal to some people but to me it was huge! Anderson Cooper, world renowned journalist, took the time to write me back!

I've tweeted to celebrities before and only one other celebrity has tweeted back to me and that was Isaiah Mustafa aka" the new Old Spice Guy.

Some people know who he is but everyone know who Anderson Cooper is.
And I have to say that Anderson tweeting back to me, got me jumping up and down and doing my happy dance!

My Name Is Bobbi, And I'm A Shopaholic

2011-11-01T11:29:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd say this but I'm so glad to be back in Texas.
Not only am I close to family and friends again but I'm back to the land of great shopping!

One of the many reasons I hated Utah was the shopping, or lack thereof. I love to shop and I couldn't do it in Utah. The buyers for the stores thought everyone should looks exactly the same and be frumpy.

So the last two weekends I've gone balls to the wall while out shopping here in Dallas. Two weekends ago I dragged my poor mom around ALL weekend, she was so tired by Sunday night that she was actually looking forward to work on Monday so she could relax.
And this past weekend, my mom was out of town so I went shopping by myself and got some more great stuff.

These are some of the cool things I got!

I bought this purse on Sunday and I am IN LOVE with it! You can't see it but the studs are actually crystals so this bag sparkles in the sun!

I found this wallet in a really cool new store. I love the color and how shiny it is!

I found this amazing pink crystal wine stopper for only $3.99!

I've been needing a new apron and I found this super cute Christmas one and it was only $15!

And lastly this cute little Audrey Hepburn bag I found at Barnes and Noble for only $3.99!

I bought other things too but these were my favorites that I wanted to share with y'all.
What do you think?

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

Since I don't have any children, I make my dogs endure the shame of being dressed up.

Chloe does well in dog clothes but I've discovered that she absolutely HATES the costume I got for her.

I put it on her and she just stood there, not moving, giving me a murderous glare.
And she's a unicorn by the way.

Sadly I can't find any costumes to fit my big dogs, so I just have to get them hats which they promptly paw off their heads. They keep it on long enough for me to take a picture then off it comes.

Taylor (the black one) is Blackbeard and Buck (the yellow one) is Captain Dumbass.

I've Finally Got It!

2011-10-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

I finally figured out why I'm still single. I'm being BOYCOTTED by American men.
Well at least one of them anyway.

Below is the actual comment from this American man on my last blog post.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

BRAND NEW: Buy the Boycott American Women book. After reading this book, I promise you that you will never even think about dating an American woman ever again, or else I will give you your money back. That's right, if you are not convinced by my book, I will give you a full refund!

Buy the Boycott American Women eBook now for just $4.99:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/boycott-american-women/16690691

Please join the Boycott American Women facebook group:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Boycott-American-Women/118711841530679?sk=wall&filter=1

Sincerely,
John Rambo

I love how he's being all women hatey and then signs it sincerely.

And ya know, if he didn't like my pumpkins all he had to do was say so, he didn't have to insult my skills. Apparently that's all I can do is decorate since I don't cook or clean and I'm a crazy, fat, money hungry slut.

I'm A Crafty Bitch

2011-10-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to decorating my pumpkins and I have to say I did cool things with them.

I shouldn't be allowed to wield a knife around pumpkins because I massacre them unintentionally so I opted to paint and glitz them instead.

All I bought was some Martha Stewart paint, glitter and masks.
I painted one pumpkin with orange glitter paint and two pumpkins black. One of the black ones I bedazzled with glitter and the other I painted over the black with the orange glitter paint. Then I put glitter and feathers on a mask and glued it on the all orange glitter pumpkin.

My favorite is the black one with the orange glitter, it turned out SO cool!

What do y'all think?

Confessions of a Massage Therapist Part Eleven

2011-10-20T22:56:00.001-05:00

I started doing massage again since I've been back here in Dallas and I've already encountered an interesting fellow.

I saw this man for the first time last week. He requested back, legs and groin work.
Now in his defense he did have a valid reason for the groin work. Apparently quite a few years ago he had groin surgery due to a sports injury (and has the scars to prove it).

I've also been trained in working the groin, inner thigh and deep glute. And honestly it's a nice to change to use my skills in this area instead of doing all Swedish massage.

Anyway, last week he was telling me about his injury/surgery and how he even lost a testicle due to the surgery. I should have known at this point not to say anything but I didn't. I say, really? And he says, "yeah, see?" And proceeds to toss the towel to the side and show me his one nut.
I say, oh wow and continue what I'm doing.
I really, really don't understand why men insist on showing off their junk. And why would you want to show people, let alone a stranger, that you only have one testicle.
Did he think the one nut was going to turn me on?

Now let's move on to today's session...

While working in his groin region he begins to ask me if I can go farther in. Farther in meant massaging his penis.
I tell him no.
He asks again and again and again.
I tell him no, no and no.

He tries one last time asking because it would help because of his injury.
I again tell him no.
And he says (I swear to God) really? You can't relieve the pressure? It would feel better if you relieved the pressure. I bet it would.

I held back saying what I was thinking, that being, you can release the pressure yourself when I'm done.

I can't wait until next week to see what other excuses he'll come up with.

Falling For Fall

2011-10-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day here in Dallas where it felt like fall. A cold front came through last night and cooled it off quite nicely. It was 89 degrees yesterday, today it's 66 degrees. And I'm loving it!

This morning I was out running errands and it was around 55 degrees. I drove past a woman waiting at a bus stop wearing a giant parka with a hood. My first thought?
Complete pussy!
Seriously, it wasn't that cold.

I also ordered my first hot coffee of the season today instead of getting it iced, I started to look at sweaters, wool socks and boots online and I made pumpkin bread this afternoon.
I really want to go to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins, so I think I'll go do that this weekend and start decorating.

I'm so excited for fall!

Love these colors!

Poor Little Chloe

2011-10-13T12:32:00.000-05:00

I'm sure it's no surprise to to y'all that I have become quite attatched to my newest little dog Chloe.
She is such a sweet little dog and loves nothing more than being in my lap.

Yesterday she made her first trip to the vet with me because one of my other dogs, Elizabeth Taylor attacked her and put a big tooth mark in her side.
While at the vet I have to admit I considered changing her name because holy cow was she a drama queen!! Now I know she was in pain but she yelped and cried at everything and even grabbed hold of my shoulders with her little paws/claws when the vet wanted to examine her.

Luckily the one gash was all she got but the vet didn't want to stitch it due to some fluid around the site, she thought it would be better to let it drain.
But because of this Chloe wanted to lick the wound and that meant she needed to wear a cone.

Poor Chloe looked so sad in her cone of shame.

When I got home I looked at the itemized bill and they actually had the nerve to call that cone an Elizabethan Collar. I shit you not, look for yourself.

Today Chloe is doing great and is feeling better. Her wound is starting to heal already and she doesn't yelp when I pick her up.
Hooray!

I'm In Texas Y'all!!

2011-10-05T15:57:00.001-05:00

Sorry I've been away for so long again but I was busy packing for my move back to Dallas.

After four VERY long days I finally got back to Dallas late Monday night. Spent all day yesterday unloading the truck and unpacking. And now that all that is done I can get back to blogging and reading blogs!

One thing I'm excited about is getting my southern accent back! I started to lose it while living in Utah and was bugged because I really liked my accent.
So, watch out Dallas, Bobbi's back!

It's Crowded In Here

2011-09-22T22:32:00.001-05:00

I have a pretty small bathroom.
And every few hours it gets extremely crowded.

Why you ask?
Because EVERY time I go to the bathroom, ALL my animals follow me in there..
Even the cats.

The cats either start eating, jump on my lap to be pet or they decide to go potty themselves.
And the dogs?

They all gather round the toilet and stare at me.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I've Decided

2011-09-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided I'm moving back to Texas. And I'm moving in 2 weeks.
I've got to say I'm so excited to get back to civilization! I feel like I've been stuck back in time where there are no Starbucks and everything is closed on Sundays. Oh wait, I have been, except it's present day and not the 1950's.

Obviously, I still want to move to California and I will. But I can't stay in Utah all by myself any longer.

So, off to Texas I go.
For a while...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've Been Thinking...

2011-09-08T15:59:00.001-05:00

That's usually never a good thing where I'm concerned but none the less, I've been thinking.

I'm thinking about moving back to Dallas. I know all I ever talk about it moving to California and I really do hope to move there someday but for right now, I'm thinking Dallas.

It's no secret to you all how much I hate it here in Utah and winter is fast approaching and I don't want to spend another winter in the frozen tundra.
And ever since my sister and her family moved away from year a year ago, I've been spiraling into a deep loneliness.
Not only did the only family I had here move away but my friends don't have time to do anything with me. I can't get anyone to go to a movie or even lunch with me.

I went to Dallas over the Labor Day weekend and realized just how lonely I was. It was so good to see my parents and my friends! I definitely didn't want to come back to Utah.

So, I'm thinking of moving back. At least for a while until I can make it to California. And who knows, maybe by that time I'll have a family of my own to take with me, so I won't be lonely again.

These Are Good Things!

2011-08-30T23:24:00.005-05:00

I have come across some new products that I have fallen in love with and wanted to share them with y'all.

Let me preface this by saying I was in no way compensated for the accolades I'm about to give. These just happen to be products I've tried and LOVED!

The first one is Mr. Clean with Gain. I've always liked Mr. Clean but now they've added the smell of Gain and oh my is it great!

I used it for the first time a week ago and not only did it do a great job of cleaning but the scent it left behind was incredible.

My house smelled like Gain until the next day! I love this stuff!

Next is something I found while walking around Bed, Bath and Beyond last week. It's called Plink and it's a cleaner/deodorizer for you garbage disposal. I don't know about y'all but every now and then my disposal stinks! This is the answer for that.

All you do is drop one of the little yellow balls in your disposal turn it on for 15 seconds and voila, a clean and lemon scented disposal! And the smell lasted for quite some time!

And lastly, Dreyer's shakes.

One word. Delicious!

You can find these individual shakes in the freezer section. All you do is add milk, stir and enjoy!

One container/shake has only 5 grams of fat!

If you haven't already tried any of these, I suggest you do. I'm going to put my own spin on Martha Stewart's saying, these are good things!

I Hate Where I Live

2011-08-28T22:32:00.004-05:00

Not only do I hate living in Utah but I hate my apartment complex. There are creepy, dirty people that live here. The only reason I'm here is because it's one of the few places that will allow a dog as big as Buck.

My last neighbors were crazy noisy and oh so dirty.

My new neighbors are a little better, not quite as noisy. Except when they come up and down the stairs, they sound like a herd of stampeding elephants causing my dogs to bark like crazy.

They definitely aren't as dirty either but this past weekend they decided to bring some more of thier stuff up to their apartment. And leave it on their porch.

Evidently they can't fit all their stuff in their house so they're just going to leave everything on the porch.

This is their porch..

This is mine...

I'm surprised they can make it to their door. But I guess I can't complain too much, at least everything is stacked neatly.

Bachelor Pad Week 3

2011-08-22T22:01:00.003-05:00

Ok, that's it. I'm not watching The Bachelor Pad anymore.

My tv arch nemesis Kasey got to stay and my hero Jake got sent home.

I cannot stand to watch Kasey and Vienna walk around that house like they own it.

Plus if I hear Kasey sing one more time, I'm going to stick an ice pick in my ears.

But ya know, the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking this is all a big rouse.

The show ended with them saying Kasey's name and then it immediately went to commercial. No sappy, boo hoo goodbyes.

I'm wondering if it was a tie and they both get to stay for one more week.

I hope that's not the case because I don't know if I can handle another week of the fame whores on parade (in case you didn't figure it out, I'm talking about Kermit Kasey and Ugly Vienna).

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

2011-08-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

Geez, it seems like most of my posts lately have been one giant pity party but for reasons I'm not going to bore you all with, I kinda deserve my woe is me time.

But, I'm trying to not let it get me too down.

I've been listening to this song non stop all weekend and it's helped me tremendously.

This is my new anthem to get me through the tough times.

Oh Andy, How I Love You!

2011-08-18T17:29:00.002-05:00

This is one of the many reasons I love Anderson Cooper!

I love his giggle!!

Bachelor Pad Week 2

2011-08-15T22:23:00.004-05:00

Ugh.

That's about all I can say about this weeks episode. I'm still on the I hate Kasey and Vienna bandwagon and it's getting worse. I really cannot stand those two. (I seriously want nothing more than to hunt those two down, junk punch Kasey and spit in Vienna's ugly face.)

And I let it be known on Twitter. I launched a full on attack of those two last night during the show.

And I'm not the only one. It's clear ALL of America hates Kasey and Vienna judging by their twitter streams.

Ok, enough about those two douche canoes.

There were two part of the show where I actually cried a little bit.

The first time was when Michael and Holly were on their date and had their heart to heart talk about their relationship. I teared up when Michael said he still loved her and missed her.

The second time was at the end when Jackie got sent home. Actual tears sprung from my eyes on this one.

Watching Ames say goodbye to her, then waving at the others and running after the limo to be with her was the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time.

What did y'all think of the episode?

Bachelor Pad

2011-08-08T22:51:00.006-05:00

I'll admit it, the previews for the Bachelor Pad sucked me in so I had to watch it.

But now I'm not sure I watch it again.

Vienna is a stupid, selfish, ugly, horse faced, lying, conniving, ugly, vengeful, backstabbing, ugly, big nosed, bitchy, cry baby, ugly, fame whore.

And Kasey. Good lord, Kasey. What a douche. That ugly Vienna has him so pussy whipped it's not even funny. And if I hear him say one more time that he's going to protect Vienna, I'm going to go bat shit crazy and hunt him down so I can junk punch him.

The way those two act and think that they're such a strong power couple makes me want to vomit.

Everyone else in the house I can handle, I can even handle "Rated R" but sadly he went home because Gia is a fucking moron.

And I can't leave Jake out. Giving Vienna the safety rose was the second stupidest thing he's ever done. The first was proposing to her.

Whether I decide to watch again remains to be seen.

Did you watch? What were your thoughts?

Goal For The Day

2011-08-03T15:24:00.004-05:00

My goal for the day is to try not to dwell on the fact that my birthday is in 3 days and I have nothing that I thought I'd have by the time I turned 36.

Oh and to try to convince God that he can stop testing me, I'm about ready to break.

I Have A Problem

2011-08-01T01:00:00.002-05:00

So, I'm having a bit of a dilema with the online dating.

I signed up saying I live in California even though I don't just yet but really, really want to be there soon. But the guys are either not responding because of the distance or they write to me without reading my profile, I tell them I don't live there and then I don't hear from them again.

And I don't really want to trying dating anyone here in Utah because I really, REALLY don't want to stay here and if I do meet someone here then that person may not want to move.

So I'm not sure what to do. Advice?

By the way, do any of my California readers know anyone that wouldn't mind long distance for a while?

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

2011-07-25T23:25:00.008-05:00

I haven't watched The Bachelorette this season because Ashley kinda bugged me when she was on The Bachelor. But I started watching it tonight but only because there was nothing else on.

Now normally when I watch these shows I scoff and stick my tongue out at the people on this journey. I also do the same thing during the eHarmony and Match commercials.

But tonight something hit me. And it hit me hard.

Aaaand I started to cry.

Why?

Because I realized just how alone I am. And I don't want to be alone anymore. But at the same time I'm scared to death that I'm going to get hurt again. That's what's been holding me back and making me make faces and weird noises at the tv.

I've been hurt by men so many times in the past that it's hard to let that go and let my walls down to let someone in.

Just writing this is hard and I'm crying.

How do you move forward, take a leap of faith and trust again when all you've ever known is hurt and disappointment? How do you mend a broken heart? How can a loser ever win?

I know I need to try but I'm petrified.

New Addition

2011-07-20T01:00:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you all know about my crazy love of animals.

Three years ago when I adopted Buck, I wasn't even looking to get another dog. I was just bored one day and was looking at dogs on craigslist. I don't know if this has happened to anyone else but when I saw Buck, I just knew I had to have him.

Well it's happened again.

I was at Petco over the weekend and they were having adoptions that day. I saw a little dog and again I just knew I had to have her.

So, I adopted her.

This is Chloe.

She's a Pomeranian/Chihuahua mix and the sweetest little dog ever.

She's a total lap dog and she lets me dress her up!

I Need To Label My Posts Better

2011-07-18T01:00:00.001-05:00

So I decided to check my stat counter again to see how people find my blog.

I like to do this on a regular basis because it's always good for a laugh. Especially since I blog about massage and working in a doctor's office.

These are the funniest/weirdest ones recently.

What's wrong with my watermelons
Other men massaging wife
Grannies massaging clits
Too hairy for EKG photo
What to do if I get an erection during a massage

People find my blog the most by searching "Confession of a massage therapist". That seems a little odd to me because what if you happened to find something you did yourself and someone was mocking you for it?

But maybe they get off on that, it wouldn't be the first time.

This Is Too Funny!

2011-07-15T01:00:00.002-05:00

I love finding funny quotes, pictures, etc and this is one of my favorites recently.

Happy Friday!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-13T01:00:00.001-05:00

I Wanna Get Away

2011-07-08T12:39:00.002-05:00

I need a vacation. Like now.

My last one was 2 years ago and it was way too short.

What I need is to sit on a beach with a drink in my hand and not move for a week!

I Think My Body Is Trying To Tell Me Something

2011-06-28T01:00:00.001-05:00

So, I started a new job last week. I'm going to work for the nurse practitioner that I worked for in my previous office as she opened up her own practice.

Last week we got the office organized, stocked all the rooms, decorated, cleaned, etc in preparation for her grand opening today.

Today was a good day, Cindy saw 10 patients, which is really good for a new clinic. Our electronic charting system is super easy, everything ran smoothly, there were no problems.

But yet, I had a headache. All day. I haven't had a headache since I quit my last office a couple of months ago.

So I really think my body is telling me that I'm not supposed to work. I'm supposed to be a trophy wife or at the very least a sugar baby.

My Favorite Tool

2011-06-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

Summer is officially here in Utah and you know what that means right?

Fur. Lots and lots and LOTS of fur. My dogs are shedding like beasts right now and leaving giant clumps of fur all over the house.

Buck is a Golden Retriever/Great Pyrenees mix and has long blond fur.

Luckily he likes to be brushed so he's easy to groom.

Elizabeth Taylor is a Chow/Husky mix and has short black fur.

Her whole undercoat needs to come out and she hates being groomed. Even though it makes her feel better she doesn't care, she tries to run away from me the first chance she gets.

The FURminator is my favorite grooming tool to use this time of year. Other shedding tools don't hold a candle to this one!

I can make two more dogs out the hair I get each time I use it.

If you have dogs, you NEED this grooming tool!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-22T01:00:00.001-05:00

What?!

2011-06-20T01:00:00.002-05:00

I saw this graffiti while out walking with my dogs the other day.

I can't get it to enlarge for some reason so y'all can see it better so I'll tell you what it says.

Family first and fuck the world.

Very contradictory of you ask me.

Pity. Party Of One.

2011-06-16T23:52:00.005-05:00

I've been feeling really lonely lately.

I don't have any family nearby, no husband, no boyfriend, no kids. Nothing. No one.

And even my friends don't have time for me. They're all busy with their families and can't spare an hour or two for dinner or a movie with me.

So, alone I sit.

Lonely.

Burlesque

2011-06-13T16:12:00.009-05:00

So I finally watched the movie Burlesque over the weekend and I have to say, I really loved this movie. I loved it so much I watched it twice.

And I loved the music so much that I bought the soundtrack and have been listening to it all day.

Christina Aguilera was actually pretty good in this movie.

And Cher was, well Cher. But after all these years, I still love her.

Stanly Tucci stole the show which he always does in any movie he's in.

But I have to say, Cam Gigandet was one of my favorite parts of this movie.

Yum, yum, YUM!

I have to admit, I've always secretly wanted to be a Burlesque dancer. And I enjoy going to the Burlesque shows when I go to Vegas.

Have you seen this movie? Am I the only one that loved it?

I Can't Wait!

2011-06-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Confessions Of A Massage Therapist, Part Ten

2011-06-07T01:00:00.001-05:00

What happened to me yesterday has happened to me before. Kinda.

Some of you may not think it's funny, some may think it's creepy.

But I've been doing this for so long now that things like this don't bother me much anymore.

Ok, story time.

I was massaging a man yesterday and I was wearing shorts as it's finally been warm outside.

While I was working on his glutes I felt his hand touch my leg/calf. Then he began to lightly rub and caress my calf...

I've had men touch my leg before but I've never had someone start massaging it.

At first I was annoyed but then I started to giggle silently to myself.

Luckily I was about done with that side, so I hurried to finish and pulled my leg away from his grasp.

He never did anything else that was inappropriate so I let it slide.

I don't know why it thought it was ok to do that but I've been laughing about it ever since.

Thanks For The Reminder Douche Bag

2011-06-02T01:00:00.001-05:00

So the other night I was outside with the dogs and I stopped to talk to one of my neighbors.

Ok, so I didn't intentionally stop, I would've preferred to have kept going but Buck decided that my neighbor needed to pet him.

Anyway, somehow during the course of our conversation he asked how old I was. I don't mind saying it, at least not yet anyway so I told him. In case y'all are wondering, I'm 35.

Then later he asked if I had kids and I told him no, so he asked if I wanted kids.

I told him yes, I do want children someday.

Then he says to me and I quote, "Well you better hurry up, you're not getting any younger."

Thanks you asshole! Like I really needed to be reminded that I'm running out of time.

Wordless Wednesday-It's Good To Be King!

2011-06-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

Today I want to take a minute to give a sincere and heartfelt thank you to all the members of our military, past and present.

Without your selfless sacrifice we would not have the freedom that this great country stands for.

There is one man in particular I want to thank. My dad.

Isn't he handsome!

He is a Vietnam Veteran and my hero. I'm so thankful every day that he came back alive.

I know I'm not alone when I say what you don't hear often enough, thank you.

Thank you dad for your service to our country. Thank you for fighting for our freedom even when your countrymen yelled obscenities and spit on you. Thank you for your sacrifice.

I love you daddy!

There is one other thing I want to share with you all today, it's an old article I came across recently and I think it bears repeating.

Read this excerpt from a Romanian newspaper. Evenimentul Zilei is one of the leading newspapers in Romania. Based in Bucharest, the Romanian language daily had reached a paid circulation peak at 675,000. Its name means "The event of the day." The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title "C"ntarea Americii, meaning "Ode To America") on Sept. 24, 2002, in the Romanian newspaper ("The Daily Event" or "News of the Day").

~An Ode to America~

Why are Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs. Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army, and the secret services that they are only a bunch of losers.

(9-11) Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.

After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.

On every occasion, they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless America!" I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheel chair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.

How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?

Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put in a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.

What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their galloping history? Their economic Power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.

I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion. Only freedom can work such miracles.

by Cornel Nistorescu

I Can't Believe It's Been A Year Already

2011-05-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's been a year since I had my liposuction done.

I was thinking about that the other day as I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking, "I look pretty good!"

Now, if you recall, I don't remember ONE damn thing from that day. I really don't even remember my half day of work that day.

All the information I've gotten has been secondhand from friends and family.

Apparently people were trying to get me to spill secrets.

And of course they were laughing at me in my drug induced state of giddiness.

If you missed my post surgery blog post, click on the the above link (recall) and you can read all about it.

But aside from that I am so pleased with the results and I would do it again in a heartbeat. In fact I hope to do it again sometime to my thighs. I had my abdomen and flanks done last year.

I was going to share pictures last year after my surgery but I don't think I ever did, so I'll share them with you now and also share my current photos.

Here's me before, hopped up on Ativan and Demerol...

Here's the after pictures. I didn't have any tape to get my pads to stay on so I improvised with Band-aids...

And here's my current after pictures. I took a set of pics before this then realized I had on my granny panties, so I changed into a better pair so you all wouldn't judge me...

Have You Seen This?

2011-05-24T01:00:00.001-05:00

I don't know if y'all have seen this commercial but I think it's so funny that I wanted to share.

Viva Las Vegas!

2011-05-23T01:00:00.001-05:00

I love Las Vegas!

It's one of my favorite cities to visit and I try to go at least once a year if I can.

I have two friends that went to Vegas this past weekend and I was jealous! It makes me want to go back so I thought I'd do a tribute to Sin City.

I'm not much of a gambler but when I do gamble, I play blackjack.

Because the slots are boring and I don't know how to play poker or craps.

I've only been to one show in all the times I've been to Vegas and that was Cirque Du Soleil's Zumanity.

It was a really good show and very sexy. When I saw it, I saw it alone. I wouldn't recommend that...

The next time I go I'd like to see Peepshow with Holly Madison. I loved her on the Girls Next Door and I've heard she's really good in this great burlesque show.

During the day you're bound to either find me at the pool

Or shopping. Oh how I LOVE the shopping in Vegas!

My favorite places to go are the Forum shops at Caesars Palace and the Grand Canal shops at the Venetian.

By night you'll find me dancing the night away and trying to to get into the VIP section.

My favorite club is Pure at Caesars Palace. The inside is amazing but the outside deck is pretty incredible too, it gives you an amazing view of the strip.

Another great club is Rain at the Palms.

Just writing this is making itch to go soon! Who wants to join me?

Fashion Friday-Hats

2011-05-20T01:00:00.003-05:00

I'm going to do my first Fashion Friday!

Not sure if I'll do it every week but I wanted to do it this week because I want to talk about my love of hats.

After watching the royal wedding and seeing all the ladies wearing their fascinators I decided I need to start wearing hats more.

I also decided I need to start using the word betwixt more but that's a whole other post.

Anyway, here I am modeling a couple of my recently purchased hats.

What do you think?

You can link up with Kori for more Fashion Fridays!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T00:00:00.001-05:00

The Hangover Part 2

2011-05-17T00:00:00.001-05:00

I have to tell y'all that I cannot wait until Memorial Day.

That is the day that The Hangover Part 2 comes out!!

I loved the first movie and the second looks even funnier!

If you haven't seen it already, here's the trailer.

He's Not The Brightest Bulb In The House

2011-05-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

You all know how much I love my dogs.

And I know I've posted on here before about Buck.

How silly he is, how destructive he is (was) and how gross he is.

But I don't think I've ever written about how, how should I say it... mentally challenged he is.

But case in point.

I took the dogs for a walk yesterday and they got hot so I let them cool off in the creek that runs beside the walking trail.

He was having a blast dunking his head in the water and throwing his head back, turning and jumping in circles and pawing at the water so he created big splashes. All of this he did near the bank.

Now the creek is only about 10 feet wide and Buck decided to go over to the other side of it. Well once he got there, he couldn't get back over to me.

For reasons I still don't understand, he wouldn't come back over to where I was, even though he wanted to. Desperately!

I called to him, he barked at me.

I clapped my hands for him to come, he barked at me.

I laughed at him, he barked at me.

At one point he looked like he might finally get across but he got halfway then chickened out and went back to the other side.

This went on for a good 10 minutes. I really wish I had my camera with me because he looked so funny sitting on the opposite side of the creek just looking at me with a face that seemed to be saying, now how do I get back over to her?

Finally I had to walk back to the beginning of the trail with him running along side me to get to where he could cross by using a little bridge.

That little episode must've scared him because the rest of the way home he stuck to my side like glue!

Confessions Of A Massage Therapist, Part Nine

2011-05-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've decided to do some local advertising again to see if I can get some new massage clients.

And it worked. I've worked on 3 people(men) in the past week.

Luckily they've been good and haven't been perverts. Although I think one man was fishing for a date. He kept asking me personal questions and even asked me at one point if I even liked men.

I don't date my clients so maybe I'll just start telling them that I'm a lesbian.

But I did get an email from a male/female couple (O town bi) wanting to know if I would be interested in meeting them.

There was another guy I worked on and after the massage, as he was leaving, he apologized for his erection. I honestly didn't even realize he had one. It's not like I watch their penises for movement.

And I have to admit that was a first for me in my almost 10 years as a therapist. No man has EVER apologized for getting a boner.

I have had a few men contact me that wanted something "extra".

One asked me if I wore a bikini? Or anything? I told him I was fully clothed and that if that's the sort of thing he was after he would have to look elsewhere. Then 2 days later he texts me about an appointment again and asks me the exact same questions over again! I told him I already answered his questions and he wrote me back telling me " I must not remember hun I've been real busy lately."

Really? You've been too busy to remember you've propositioned me only 2 days ago?

Idiot!

I saw today one place that states in their ad, "No hanky panky".

I'm going to start using that because obviously men don't know the meaning of therapeutic.

Wordless Wednesday- Double Trouble

2011-05-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Mixed Emotions

2011-05-09T00:00:00.002-05:00

Some things in life confuse the hell out of me.

Maybe I'm being naive but I really don't understand how some people can be so cruel to others.

I have faith in people. Faith that they'll be kind and compassionate, not mean and hateful. Although I've recently begun to lose faith in some people and that makes me sad and mad at the same time. Sad that they're treating others this way and mad that I'm sinking to their level in some ways.

And I normally wouldn't post something like this but it's being done to me so I say, if they can do it, I can do it.

But, I'll do my best to keep calm and carry on even though I'm livid on the inside and want to punch someone in their fat face.

Even though I feel like this, always remember I'll pray for you...

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T00:00:00.001-05:00

I especially want to thank my mom for everything she has done for me. She's supported, helped, guided, comforted and loved me. Even during the times I didn't deserve any of it.

In my opinion she's the best mom in the world and I love her so very much.

Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful mom, grandma, aunts, cousins, friends, internet friends and furbaby moms!

I hope you all feel loved, special and appreciated on this special day!

I Need To Be Pampered

2011-05-05T00:00:00.002-05:00

I am in need of a spa day so badly as I've been out of sorts lately.

I need a mani/pedi...

A massage...

And a facial...

Then maybe I'll start to feel like myself again.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-04T00:00:00.001-05:00

The Perfect Arch

2011-05-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

So, I was in my bathroom preparing to wax my eyebrows with my handy at home kit, when I happened to look at the back of the box.

Now I usually don't look at the back of boxes when I'm going to do something to myself at home but for some reason I did this time and I noticed the directions.

It actually says that it's safe to use on adults and CHILDREN 2 YEARS OF AGE AND OLDER!!!!

Why would a small child need to have their eyebrows waxed?! I didn't start waxing my eyebrows until I was in my late twenties!

I racked my brain trying to think of why a child would need perfectly arched eyebrows.

Then it came it me. This is why.....

I Think It's Finally Happening!

2011-05-02T00:00:00.001-05:00

OMG! I think spring might be upon us here in Utah! And all I can say is it's about damn time!

It was cold on Saturday, a little warmer on Sunday and it's supposed to slowly warm up over the coming week, so I thought I'd do a spring fashion post. I can't wait to finally shed my layers, shave my legs and wear cute clothes and shoes again!

I am in love with these Espedrilles!

Via Spiga

Boutique 9 via Piperlime

Mark and James by Badgley Mischka via Piperlime

I'm on the short side, so I'm not sure I can pull off wearing a maxi dress but these want to make me try.

For the life of me I can't remember where I found this dress. Sorry!

Victoria's Secret

I love the colors on these sun dresses!

Victoria's Secret

And this swim suit cover up is so super cute, you could wear it as a regular dress!

Victoria's Secret

Which one's are your favorites?

Funny Royal Wedding Parody

2011-04-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

I love this video and since it is the day of the Royal Wedding I thought I'd share.

If you haven't seen it already.

Uh Oh, Someone's Biological Clock Is Ticking...

2011-04-28T00:00:00.001-05:00

Not long ago I was walking around Target (my fav store!!) and as I was walking by the baby clothes, I heard an infant start crying.

Immediately my heart started to ache and I began to tear up. (Now before you say anything, I was not premenstrual.)

Before this happened I'd always been the girl that had always said about kids, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.

But not anymore. This event made me realize that I do want children.

I just hope it happens sooner rather than later, I'm not getting any younger.

Wordless Wednesday- How Many Tries Does It Take To Get A Good Picture

2011-04-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

I Wanna Get Away

2011-04-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

I gotta tell ya'll, I am so sick of the snow/rain and cold here in Utah. It's almost May and it's still not warming up.

And I heard it's going to snow again tonight.

In the words of Charlie Brown, I CAN'T STAND IT!!!

I want so badly to lay on a beach with a cocktail in my hand getting my tan on.

I'd really like to go here..

Tahiti

Or here...

Australia

Or here..

Puerto Rico

Or even here..

Southern California

I don't care as long as it's warm, the sun in shining and I'm on the beach.

Calling All Animal Lovers!! Please Help!

2011-04-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

I think you all know that animals hold a HUGE place in my heart. I have several animals of my own and I consider them my "kids".

The other day I was on facebook and I saw one of the pages I like had a PLEASE HELP in their update. To my utter shock and horror it was about a new Android app called Dog Wars.

In this app you train and fight a virtual dog! I was appalled that this kind of app was out there!

In my research I came to find out that Apple denied this app for the iPhone. Another reason I love Apple! But Google which owns the Android decided to pick it up and have it in their available apps.

So, I'm asking you all for help. Please go to this website and tell Google you want this app removed. The name of the app is Dog Wars and the name of the developer of the app is Kage Games, LLC. You'll need this information to place your complaint.

Thank you all for your compassion and help!

He Is Risen!

2011-04-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Easter!

John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

Clits, Cameltoes And Shitholes Oh My!!

2011-04-21T10:59:00.004-05:00

Since I haven't blogged for a while, I decided to check out my stat counter just to see how many people still looked at it while I was on sabbatical.

And of course I had to look to see how they found me. And let me tell you, I was howling with laughter last night looking at what people googled and were brought to my site.

These are the best ones...

India shithole

Huge clit

Weird clit

Clit through pants

Swollen cameltoe

How to crack the fat landare

For the life of me I don't ever remember writing about clits. Or cameltoes for that matter.

And I have NO idea was a fat landare is. And why would you want to crack it? Do you need to crack it?

If anyone finds out what a fat landare is let me know.

The Bitch Is Back!!

2011-04-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all! I'm baaaack!

Sorry about my 6 month hiatus but it gets so cold and snowy here in Utah that all I wanted to do this winter was hibernate.
So I did.

I didn't go anywhere, I didn't do anything, I just stayed in my little shithole.

But spring is FINALLY making it's presence known here so I'm coming out of hibernation ready to exclaim...

I'M READY FOR SUMMER DAMMIT!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

I've Had It!

2010-11-03T13:41:00.003-05:00

That's it, I'm done massaging men.

They are sick, perverted bastards.

I worked on a man last night that wanted 90 minutes of legs and ass. Inner thigh and ass crack to be more specific. And he moaned and squirmed the entire time.

At one point he squirmed so much that the towel slid off and exposed his gray hairy nut sack.
That is an image I'm not sure I'll get out of my head.

Well Darn

2010-11-01T13:32:00.003-05:00

I've sent my book idea to about 8 literary agents so far and two have told me no so far.
The others I'm assuming are passing too because I haven't heard from them and I did read on most sites that if they don't respond, they're not interested.
So, poo.

I'm going to keep trying though and I'm also going to see if maybe I can submit a short snipet to a magazine like Cosmo or Glamour.

A Case Of Mistaken Identity

2010-10-12T22:30:00.008-05:00

My dad visited me a few weekends ago.

The second day he was here he asked me why my soap didn't lather. I asked him what he meant by that because it lathers for me just fine.

He takes me into the bathroom and shows me my "soap".

What he thought was soap was actually my pumice stone! No wonder it wouldn't lather!

Oh yeah and he washed his hair with my Caress body soap, not shampoo.

This isn't the first time he's done something like this.

A few years ago he thought my face mask was moisturizer and smeared a green seaweed mask all over his face.... and didn't rinse it off.

Note to self, when dad visits again, show him the contents of the bathroom and what everything is used for.

One Step Forward.... Two Steps Back

2010-10-07T21:10:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when you take one step forward something happens and takes you two steps back?

I'm constantly moving backward it seems. And I'm tired of it.

I'd really like to see what it's like to move forward. Any ideas on how I can make that happen?

I'm HOT!

2010-10-05T23:08:00.002-05:00

Today I was driving in to work, minding my own business, when I heard the beep of a horn. (beep beep)

I ignored it at first because I didn't think it was intended for me. Then again I heard the beep of a horn, only this time more insistent. ( beep beep...beep beep...beep beep)

I look over and see a man looking at me, when I see him he smiles and waves. I had absolutely no clue who this man was but I smiled brightly and waved back excitedly as if I knew him.

I turn my attention back to the road, I was driving on the highway after all, and I hear the beep of a horn again! (beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

I look back over and they guy points at me and mouths "You're hot!"

I giggled, mouthed "thank you" and continued you on my merry way.

Thank you bald man in the Honda Accord, you made my day!

I Have A Dream!

2010-09-30T22:01:00.003-05:00

I have wanted to move to California since I was 22 years old.

A little over a year ago I finally decided that I was going to to do it. Soon, I was going to move to sunny southern California.

Well, obviously I'm not there yet, but I am closer!

Hopefully by the beginning of next year I'll be in SoCal!

And for those of you wondering why I want to move there, this is why...

I'm A Glutton For Punishment

2010-09-27T23:20:00.007-05:00

My face hurts.

My left arm hurt yesterday but is better today.

But my face still hurts.

Wanna know why?

This is why...

This young man kicked me in the face yesterday.

Luckily I was far enough away that he only grazed my cheek but he still got me and ya know what?

My face hurts.

But I'm lucky, if I had been any closer he could've broken my jaw.

Confessions Of A Massage Therapist, Part Eight

2010-09-20T21:39:00.001-05:00

I had an e-mail account for my massage business when I was in Dallas.

When I moved to Utah, I stopped using it and never checked it.

Until about 2 weeks ago.

It was then I realized that there is one man that has continued to e-mail me.

I had chatted with him via e-mail at one time trying to set up a massage for him but he never did make an appointment. I do remember him sending me weird, random e-mails before I moved but he continued even after I moved.

I never did tell him I moved since I had ignored all his goofy notes.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I decided to check that e-mail account to look for old e-mails for my book.

That was when I noticed his e-mails, ALL 85 of them!

I thought I'd share a few of them with you all.

11-30-09

Subject: Ahhh

Message: The relaxation that comes from being back in the office, not cooking, not cleaning, not putting up the tree, not hanging lights... or trying to figure out why the fuse blow for the 17th time, not being killed by my over zealous son with his happy machine gun in Call of Duty, not fighting with my brothers on tossing my dad over a cliff... just nice, relaxing soothing... work. Who knew.

12-14-09

Subject: I was wondering

Message: What are you getting me for my birthday this week...

2-4-10

Subject: I'm fairly certain

Message: That I'm more than a little tired of the rain, am gonna hurt tonight from my workout this morning and wanna toss gasoline and set one of my coworkers on fire...

2-12-10

Subject: good grief

Message: What a bunch of pansies on the roads.

3-26-10

Subject: Happy Friday

Message: Morning, how are you doing today? Ready for an exciting weekend? I'm SO ready for the work week to be behind me, super freaking ugh... ha ha

5-18-10

Subject: Ahhh!!!!

Message: I can't win

6-17-10

Subject: Guess what

Message: It's the day AFTER hump day. Sad face.

8-10-10

Subject: Surprise!!!

Message: Ok, to keep you on your feet, I'm sending out a Pre-Hump day! How's that. :)~

9-17-10

Subject: Sweet mother of god

Message: It took 7 hours for us to get up today. Shit, that sounds bad.

I'm Finally Going To Do It!

2010-09-14T22:25:00.003-05:00

I've heard many times from you all, family and friends that I should write a book on my massage experiences.

So, I'm going to do it.

Whether or not it gets picked up is another story but I'm at least going to contact literary agents and see what happens.

I Love Fall

2010-09-09T22:32:00.006-05:00

I love fall. It is my favorite season!

It's starting to cool off here in northern Utah and it's feeling a little more like fall than summer.

I can't wait to start decorating

Pick pumpkins

Drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes

And make Apple Cider

Another Example Of Some Fine Decorating

2010-09-08T21:52:00.005-05:00

A while ago I shared a picture of some fine decorating by someone that lives in my complex.

Well have I got a treat for you! I found another one!

I saw this the other morning while out with the dogs.

I'm afraid to think of what the inside looks like.

Project Find A Husband

2010-09-05T23:51:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I decided to try online dating again.

This time I'm more open to it, probably because it was my idea and my boss didn't sign me up.

Anyway, I signed up on two different sites, Zoosk and Match.

I've had a couple of men email me from Match but because I'm not a paying member I can't read their e-mails. I'm thinking of copying Jessica Bern and asking for donations to help pay for my own Project Find A Husband.

All the others have been from Zoosk and I've had A LOT of traffic from this site. I think I've had about 20-25 men e-mail me. About 20-25 others have "winked" at me.

And out of these men, only a handful are even promising. I've gotten quite a few emails and winks from older gentlemen, like between the ages of 50-55. Now, that's ok with me but I have to wonder if it's even worth pursing any of these men because I do hope to have children someday. I highly doubt a 55 year man wants to start a second family.

But on the upside, these men all stated that they "enjoy buying their lady presents". I enjoy presents.

One of the men that emailed me that seems promising though sent me an email that said "yumm". And that's it. But he's good looking so I may forgive him for writing something so stupid.

Another guy wrote that I was "hotter than the sun".

Seriously, what is with all the cheesy lines?!

Wish me luck y'all, I think I'm gonna need it.

P.S. If anyone wishes to donate to my Project, let me know and I'll add a button to do so! :)

Somebody's Watching Me

2010-09-02T22:42:00.004-05:00

So Tuesday night when I got home, I took the dogs out for a walk around my apartment complex.

A man I've never seen before came up to me and told me my dogs had been barking most of the afternoon. (It was a nice somewhat cool day that day so I left the window open and apparently everyone and their grandma decided to be outside that evening, so my dogs were barking at everyone outside.)

Then he says that everyone was wondering where I was and if I was ok because no one had seen me for a while and my dogs had been barking.

I had to work late that night.

But I guess my neighbors all watch me and know my schedule and know about when I come home and because I got home 2-2 1/2 hours late, it was cause for concern.

The scary thing is, I don't know very many of my neighbors!!

I know 3 people! A couple that live downstairs because they have a dog and their next door neighbor because he is always over at their house.

I'm a little freaked out over this.

Doctor's Office Humor

2010-08-31T22:33:00.003-05:00

Today at work I brought a patient back who had recently been in an auto accident. She had gone to the ER and I asked her if they gave her any medication. She told me that they gave her Flexeril (a muscle relaxant) but she wasn't taking them anymore because they made her feel loopy.

Um...DUH! Muscle relaxants tend to do that and that's why people like them.

I asked her if they gave her anything else and she said they gave her Ibuprofen. I asked her if she was still taking it. No, she replied.

Why not? She doesn't like taking pills.

But 2 minutes later her husband was asking for a Rx of Tylenol with Codeine for her.

Excuse me?!

Oh and also, she has a cough. Can she have something for that too?

Can you say drug seeker?

And also today a 14 year old (half Asian) boy came in. His mother asked if I could check his height as it hadn't been done in a while. I told him he was 5 foot 7. And he's says to me, So I'm not 5'8?

Did I stutter? No son, you're 5'7.

I thought Asian kids were supposed to be smart.

Confessions Of A Massage Therapist, Part Seven

2010-08-30T21:26:00.003-05:00

Today I went to a new client's house to give him a massage.

He was a very nice man and only wanted a true therapeutic massage. But when I walked in to his apartment I almost started giggling.

He had two lawn chairs set up in between an end table, a tv sitting on a small coffee table, a huge stereo system sitting on the floor next to one of the lawn chairs and his cable box sitting on 4 speakers. He also had about 7 plants scattered about the living room and framed pictures of wolves on the walls.

Then later today, I received a text from a man asking about a massage.

He asked me if there were things I won't do.

I told him I don't give sensual or sexual massages, only therapeutic ones.

Then he asked if I had clothing restrictions.

I told him no, but I do require draping.

He responded with, I'm not familiar with draping, what is it.

I told him he needs to be covered with a sheet or towel.

He said, that's good, I'm a bigger guy anyway.

I then asked him if he'd like to set up an appointment.

He then asked me if I by chance do topless.

I told him I don't and he wrote back, Jeez, can't blame me for trying.

I didn't respond to him and I haven't heard back from him since.

I'll Have What She's Having

2010-08-26T22:09:00.006-05:00

So last night at 10pm I got a text from my sister Connie.

The following is our text conversation, word for word.

Connie: I think I just figured outwit my over the counter sleeping aides aren't working.

Me: Why?

Connie: Because mixed up the bottles and I've been taking stool softener.

Connie: I guess I know why I lost two pounds this week.

Me: Oops! Hahaha!

Connie: No wonder I can't sleep.

Me: Yeah no kidding! Have you sharted in your sleep?

Connie: I dint know...I have dark shits.

Connie: I mean SHEETs

Connie: Damn iPhone

Me: Hahaha!

Connie: Goodnight sweetheat!

Connie: Apartment my pill is working.

Connie: I can't spell or see.

Me: Lol! You're killing me!

Connie Gidnight. I live you

Connie: Did toured my post about the rat

Connie: On my fit blog

Me: What?!?!

Me: I live you too!

I never heard from her again the rest of the night.

For The Love Of Buck

2010-08-24T22:41:00.005-05:00

I came home yesterday to find that Buck had gotten ahold of the jar of peanut butter that I had on my counter, the brand new jar, thank you very much.

He got half way down before his tongue gave up.

Then today I came home and found the bread wrapper on the floor. It was a full loaf of bread too.

I'm surprised he didn't eat them both yesterday, he could've made himself peanut butter sandwiches.

When I got home today and after I picked up bread crumbs, I took the dogs out to do their business.

While out walking we came upon many people outside and Buck being the social butterfly that he is, wants to go say hi to everyone. But almost everyone shied away from him and looked at me like how dare I be out with this vicious monster.

Now I ask you, is this the face of a vicious animal?

I Wish People Were Cleaner

2010-08-22T21:23:00.006-05:00

Thanks to you all for the great suggestions on where to go for home decor.

I did end up going to Ross and found an AWESOME rug! And I found some great stuff at Michaels too. I think I might go to Ikea on Saturday after work and see what else I can find.

Once I have my place the way I want it to look, I'll post some pictures.

And speaking of pictures, do I have some doozies for you today!

I did laundry yesterday and this is how I found the laundry room.

I know, disgusting right?!

And this was outside my dirty neighbor's door.

Also, while moving in a couple of weeks ago I found this behind my bedroom closet door.

There are 9 pair of mens shoes here. Mostly nice work shoes but there is one pair of bitchin' blue suede loafers!

I don't know if the previous tenant left them accidently or what but wherever he is I bet he's barefoot.

Now That's Some Fancy Decorating

2010-08-19T23:30:00.002-05:00

I was out walking the dogs around my apartment complex the other day and I saw this fine example of interior decorating on someone's windowsill.

My Little Dump

2010-08-15T23:06:00.001-05:00

I'm getting tired of looking at my dumpy little apartment.

I really need to get going on jazzing the place up.
So I've decided to hit the stores this weekend for a marathon shopping expedition.

If any of y'all know anywhere good to go for home decor, let me know.

And as promised, I'll post pictures when I've finished decorating.

If it goes well I think I'm going to start a magazine on how to turn a shithole into a home.